What makes you do it?

Why do you get out the bed in the morning? What makes you do it? Two questions possibly coming from a person who is too young to ask them. At twenty i'm possibly only just a quarter of the way through life and yet i ask myself these questions. Are you doing something worthwhile with your time? Is this going to bite you in the butt when you're 80 and on your deathbed. Are you going to be asking yourself why did i waste so much time doing that?

I came out to Cambodia to try to find some answers to those questions because i felt as though i wasn't mature enough academically for university and i didn't want to plunge myself into debt on a major that i just wasn't cut out for. So i set out to come here and try to mature in a self-imposed exile in a country that i had visited and loved. What i didn't reckon on was the fact i like this independence, that if i don't want to do something i don't have to do it, but on the other hand it's not going to get done if i don't do it. I have to answer to myself and others if i let them down. I'm sure this is how many people of my age feel when they're in university and are now back at home and once again feel trapped and under the constant gaze of their parents.

Recently my sister came out to visit and then my father and i began to feel this feeling of being trapped again. However wonderful it was to see them it was a familiar mixture of homesickness, familiarity and what i have now come to understand was depression. When in England i would have probably been diagnosed with depression of some sort by a clinical psychologist. I wasn't going out much, i didn't do much other than play games and i wasn't being stimulated enough mentally. I'll never forget my brother saying that when he comes home i would never shut up. Mainly due to finally having someone to talk to or entertain me.  So when my sister and father came i wasn't depressed all of a sudden, however after a couple of days there was certain lethargy in me. Which wasn't great and i know that this is something that will come up again if i live in England.

So that's why i did it. 

That's why i left. To get away from this, to change, to grow and become better.

What keeps me out here is the children. Not the little ones at my proper school but the ones at my volunteer school. I have changed my job within the school to be part time and be a homeroom teacher which means i teach more subjects rather than just English. I have done this for three days now and have enjoyed the teaching, maybe not so much in other areas, but originally my biggest worry  was my ability to teach the children but this so far hasn't been a problem. So now, i have afternoons off i go to teach at my volunteer school.  It is so good. It's such a release and help to myself to be able to do it. No paperwork, no internal office problems just straight up teaching and helping.

Up until recently what made me tick was football and to some degree it still does. However because of niggling injuries and constant problems it has taken a back seat. This made me upset because i can't play and i was down in the dumps. However it has now been replaced by these children. I hope someday that my peers finds this feeling that i have. It's like having a bottle and every time you drink from it, you are lifted three inches off the ground and stand that much taller and smile that much wider. It's beautiful.

So that is why i am out here, i have found the reason to still be here.

Yet there's this problem of not having a university degree from England. Something that i have looked into rectifying. One solution is by doing a university course here (some are available in English) however the one i liked is no longer being taught and psychology (second choice) i'm just not that interested in. So i looked at UCAS and some courses caught my eye of English and teaching intertwined but i wouldn't be able to teach in England, only abroad. I could home study from the Open University but the courses aren't great and there isn't much support for fees. Am i ready for uni back in England? Possibly, but do i want to go back to England? I'm unsure. It's such a shame that i am being limited over what is essentially a piece of paper.

Due to some problems i had at work, i have already written a resignation letter. Whether i'm jumping the gun, i don't know but if i stop working here, is that an opportune moment to leave Cambodia and come back for a few years? However the feeling after teaching those special, wonderful children meant i lost all desire to leave this country. Maybe i'kk make a u-turn on that psychology degree? However i do know i would be ripping my heart in two if i left here and didn't see those children again and in fact many of the wonderful people that i have met.

So what will i do? I honestly haven't got a clue. But i do know i'll do it my way. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E2hYDIFDIU

Rock for Kampuchea 1980

Do you remember this concert, 4 nights at Hammersmith Odeon with Paul McCartney leading the way with the Who, Clash and others raising money for impoverished Cambodia? Seems such a long time ago I watched this concert at home one late evening, above all it raised awareness among young people to the plight of poor Cambodia, embellished later in the mid eighties with the movie 'The Killing Fields' which I managed to see upon it's immediate release and its very moving ending.  I never thought I would be visiting this little Asian country 4 times in 6 years.

Cambodia, is sandwiched between Thailand and Vietnam and consequently is the most delicious filling in that sandwich.  The people are welcoming, able to speak some english, and often fluently, and courteous to their visitors, which is more than can be said of it's neighbours, and I still believe the people here are absolutely lovely and for this reason it is understandable why people return, or even linger like our Greg.

Since my first visit in 2010, the rate of change cannot go unnoticed. For example, on my first trip I had to cross a river by pontoon on my bus to head towards Vietnam, and was the same in 2012, now there is a splendid suspension bridge, not quite like the Marne Valley in France, but none-the-less marked progress changing lives. Greg assures me the built the Aeon shopping mall in one year, a huge investment, catering for shopping, ice skating, bowling and the like.

However, regardless of this, if you are a foodie, there is something for your palate, Spanish, French, American, even Costa coffee, but not seen it's adversary Starbucks. Burger King, but not McDonalds, Dominoes but not Pizza hut.

So a country changing so much, but despite this, poverty is still here, among these millionaires, children still beg, schools are over crowded and have two sittings in a day to accommodate them all, but hospital wings and new high tech buildings get built and remain empty, there's only one post office for the city - or so it seems, so money talks as ever even in impoverished Cambodia.

After such a soapbox introduction, what's Greg up to? I spent most of my time at Phnom Penh Sports Club reading and sleeping away the days whilst Greg went to work, a bit of a novelty, parent sees kid off to work whilst parent does SFA.

Naturally we played football as promised, first on concrete, my rickety bones only got two minutes and Greg was in goal, undeterred, we made a twenty minute journey to another game. Well everything was fine until, until, my knee decided to crumple on me, same injury for last 10 years I guess, but I gamely continued until it happened again, thoughts of hanging my boots up did enter my head. But mum knows I should stop, but she also knows I can't give in. However, this was not the most worrying issue, Greg's ankle was tender once again. A day later and he's wearing a protective boot for his ligament injury, game over or so I thought. No chance, on to the next evening to see his team which became cup winners and guess what? Game on! Barefooted I played, easy, no reaction and played quite well until I sat down and had the ball booted into my face from one metre away, ouch, cue nosebleed and sore nose and head.

Greg and I have not had our customary adventure, but instead shared our continued healthy father/son relationship and had our heated debates, more from my concern over his welfare and health given what I and he had experienced in just three days. But overall he is at ease in these surroundings and that I am pleased. This I completely understand as I puttered along in my tuk tuk to the sports club.

Phnom Penh is a delight, limited in scope for museums once you've seen the Killing Fields stuff, which everyone must do on a visit here, just as we should never forget our soldiers of the first and second world wars, but for someone who wishes to live here and work, it is very easy to navigate life. The food, coffee shops, and bustling markets are entertainment in themselves, plus we will be off to the casino later like a pair of male Thelma and Louise's without the car crash.